This year I became a mother.
It was hands down the most beautiful yet terrifying experiences of my life. I never imagined nor planned on giving birth during a global health epidemic. It’s something only mothers who’ve gone through the same journey can understand. Thankfully, my child is healthy, my family is growing, and I’m fortunate to be surrounded by love. However, there’s no doubt that my mind and body are scarred.
I’m no longer the same person.
For some reason, I thought that I would still be me after all of this. But I’m not. I thought that things wouldn’t change so much or so drastically, but they have. My senses are heightened, my body no longer looks the same, and my mindset has completely shifted. I no longer care about trivial things like what’s for dinner, weekend plans, or what Netflix show is best.
My days and nights are now unpredictable. Some days I feel normal while others I feel like a failure. Feeling like I’m failing as a parent, as a writer, as a wife, as a human being. I’ve never been so open and vulnerable. Not like this, and it scares me every day. In the past, I’ve always managed to keep my emotions in check and not become so exposed. But now it’s as if my heart is literally cracked open for the world to see.
Being a parent has made me more vulnerable.
I’m softer now and become wary of the people around me. I judge myself harder and put myself on a higher pedestal. It’s still a transition for me, becoming a parent on top of being everything else in my life. Even though perfection is a myth, I still strive for it. I would be lying if I said that things were going great.
It’s ridiculously hard trying to become this new person while still holding on to a piece of you that you once were. Yet even on the days where I feel like everything is falling apart, I push through. I take a deep breath and admire the struggle. I admire the tears streaming down my face and the moments where my soul feels like I can’t take it anymore. Because no matter what, I get it together and bounce back up.
The deep dark moments are the ones you’ll remember.
Sure we remember the days where things were great but we also remember the days where we felt like the world was collapsing. The days where you just feel nothing but absolute pain and fear, wondering what will happen next. Then suddenly, you get through it and it just becomes a memory of how strong you were. How brave and tenacious you were. How you never gave up even when you wanted to.
It’s those moments that you’ll remember. Those moments are what shape you. It may not seem like it now, but we need those moments of pain. Those obstacles that make us feel absolutely raw and helpless only to understand that we are stronger then we give ourselves credit for. It’s a test of faith and mental strength.
Never regret the times when you were raw.
Vulnerability isn’t a weakness but a chance to rise. And I remind myself of this every time I feel like I’m falling apart. This isn’t permanent and things will get better, one day at a time. One step at a time. As long as I get back up and keep going. If you’re going through a struggle especially during these dark times I feel you, love. I see you and know that things will get better.
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Til next time,